Three Monkey Wrenches Later…

So the move is on. I may have to make some serious sacrifices to make it work, but its doable, and there’s no good reason not to do it. I’ve started to let work, co-workers, and friends know about it. The family will know this weekend, I think. (Gives me something to do while I start liquidating non-critical assets via E-bay).

Monkey wrench one is June and July; the months for which I’ll be paying rent on my old apartment. That wasn’t in my original plan because as far as i knew the new roommates had intended on living here for the next 12 months at least. Which would have made finding them a new roommate pretty easy. They just informed me last night that they want to move in with a friend who owns a house at the end of the lease. As it is, my leasing company will likely not approve another add-on to this lease, given how much hassle was involved in the last one. Not to mention I don’t have two months time to waste on getting that straightened out.

The second wrench is that my laptop with all my writing on it is broken and needs to be fixed before I move to LA, because I don’t know anyone I can trust as much as I trust my friend who’s fixing it for me. So this one’s an affordable, trustworthy, competent solution; unlike the less-than-ideal problem of getting out of my lease (which isn’t going to happen, it seems).

The third wrench is my two cats. I can’t bring them with me, and I’m not going to enjoy parting with them. Hopefully I can find a friend to adopt them, if Ryan can’t take them in. Otherwise, I may have to turn them in to the AHS, which means if they’re not adopted soon after they could be euthanized. This is the issue that will cause me the most pain, but its unavoidable.

Hedgehog’s Dilemma

Everyone faces moments of decision upon which the entirety of their lives hang in the balance. We make small decisions with lasting impact on a daily basis, of course, but mostly these are minor course corrections and if our path has erred, we can adjust and for the most part recover the path we were previously set upon. Occasionally, we face decisions where the lasting implications can clearly be seen or seem to have greater weight.

Today, I make one of these decisions. I have the opportunity to move to Los Angeles, live there with my good friend Josh (for whom I have had a great amount of love and care in the past years, along with some hurt). Or, I can remain here, and continue to build a life for which I find I am not well engaged in, nor particularly desirous of. There is of course no guarantee that I will not find myself in the same circumstances in L.A.

The benefits to staying here are stability and proximity to family and friends. The benefits to leaving are being with my friend Josh, living in a World City, not having to wear a parka, living in a city with an actual transit system, a chance to start again, living in a state where higher education is relatively cheaper and the cost is not skyrocketing so much. The risks I’m choosing from are possibly losing all I own if the move fails or losing this opportunity to start things new and risking the loss of my friendship with Josh.

My biggest problem is I know I have feelings for Josh, and there is certainly no guarantee that those feelings can ever be pursued beyond friendship; on the flip side, I’m also sure that he has feelings for me, on some level. He’s been quite persistent in asking me to move out there and live with him. He and I have also been growing apart with the distance between us. I also think there’s some fear there with both of us.

The idea of moving out there and living with Josh scares me. Thinking of Josh and the time we’ve spent together brings up a whirl of intense emotions that frighten me at times. I think the idea is somewhat terrifying to him as well. Yet we both want to go through with it. Despite the warnings and concerns of those who and know and care for either or both of us.

They’re valid concerns, too. What if it doesn’t work and you can’t live together? or What if he hurts you? (or …hurts you again?, as Josh’s friends might ask) or What if you can’t find a job right away? Its not easy to weigh all that against What if you never take this chance? Can you deal with that?

I don’t know if I can. But I need to figure that out very soon.

I’m Published!

So the Strib published one of my recent missives on the gay marriage debate. I’m quite proud (yes, pride doth go before the fall…) and at the same time very excited. This is the first time anything I’ve written has ever been published professionally. And yes, I know its only the Letters section, but I’m relieved, actually. It means (to me) on some level that I have something worth writing about and can write something worthy of some small public notice.

Anyways, I’ll stop with the bragging now, its really not all that becoming of me.

(the link, again, if you want it: http://www.startribune.com/563/story/377669.html)