Cruel Disappointments

Ryan,

None of this post was a real surprise to me. After all, we’ve exchanged words on these topics more than once. Still, it hurts to read it; it hurts even more to read the comments of those I had counted as friends.

I honestly don’t understand why or how you’ve come to your present opinion of me. I don’t know how else to tell you; talking doesn’t get the message across. I feel like I almost never get a sentence finished—then its a battle to get a word in edgewise that it seems like you basically ignore and steamroll right over in order to tell me exactly what you think I’m thinking and all the malicious reasons you think I have for being me and doing what I do.

The truth is that my life doesn’t revolve around you. Its not been about you for a long enough time now; I don’t act or speak with any thought of how I can hurt you by it. You should accept that everything I do has very little to do with you now, compared to how things were when we were together. I do the many of the same things I did then, and you know quite well that my intentions were not to hurt you then—why is it that you think they are now? I hurt you enough by ending our relationship, and how do I possibly gain by capriciously inflicting pain on you?

I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to chores I’ve had a lazy streak a mile wide. Its a flaw I recognize and I’m working on it. I’m also prideful, stubborn, hot-headed, and impulsive—to name a few of my less-than-inspiring traits. Cruelty is not one of my vices. Before we broke up, had you ever known me be wantonly cruel?? Why is it that you think I’ve suddenly changed?

I apologize for the fact that sharing my honest opinion in the fashion I did caused you pain. It was harshly worded because I let my first reaction to your e-mail get the better of me (impulsive, see) and I should have known better.

I still believe that bombarding people with faith-based spam does nothing for their faith or my own. Its far easier to click Forward on a chain e-mail than to take the time to sit down and share my faith with someone in my own words, person-to-person. I think that it cheapens my faith to broadcast it through my address book in five minute’s time. I think I lose credibility if my faith gets the same priority as the latest forwarded Minnesota jokes or cute puppy pictures.

I am disappointed that you posted private correspondence without consent, as well I’m disappointed that Nick and Kim judged me and the situation so swiftly and without consideration that there might be another side to it (there always is another side, guys…). I’m disappointed that you broke your word and started smoking in the apartment again. I’m disappointed that you don’t pay me back when you say you will. I’m disappointed that every time you have a problem with something I’m doing you stew on it and then ambush me in a most hostile manner when you’re sick of stewing.

Mostly I’m disappointed that I believed you all the times you told me that you speak nothing but good about me when I’m not around.

I’m a Woot-a-holic

They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery. I am a woot-a-holic. I love checking the daily woots, and today I saw my first woot-off. I haven’t even bought anything (though I narrowly missed-out on a $9.99 sushi kit with trays and roller-mat and recipe book and all… GRRRR….) yet, though I know I soon will. Now I’m waiting for this crappy plug-and-play 15-in-1 video game system to woot itself away so I can see what’s next. The anticipation literally has me at the edge of my seat.

Part of me didn’t even want to share this woot-boon I recently ran upon with all my readers. You know, more competition for the woots, and all. Then I realized that three more wooters really won’t make a difference in the long run.

If you’re still wondering what woot is, check here.

Thank You

Random Ponderance for the Day: All that I am, in this moment, is the sum of every moment that came before. What I do with this moment shapes every moment to come.

I now understand this song. In point of fact, I think I’ve lived the spirit of it today.

I woke up at 7:30am, too late to be on time for work. Frustrated and upset with myself, certain there’d be consequences (and OH what a bad time to lose a job, just after one buys an HDTV), I gloomily readied myself for work. Instead of the worst, I got a mild reproach, and an offer from my manager to move my start time back a half-hour to give me a better chance of getting in on time and making the team less dependent on my punctuality. I’ve no illusions of having gotten away with anything though, and am certain that if this is repeated I’ll definitely suffer less pleasant consequences.

After getting back from a meeting, I decided to check myspace.com; and yes, I’m a very recent addict to the site. Ole’s most recent post left me floating like a leaf. I’m very happy with how well things are going. Unlike most of my (and his too, it seems) experiences in dating gay men, we haven’t talked about sex or gone to bed together yet or asked what each other’s preferences are. I’m happy with that, as is he. Relationships are healthier when they begin with a connection that’s deeper than the physical. Its far too easy to judge and dismiss someone for shallow reasons when all your experiences with them revolve around physicality.

I know I sound preachy to some, and a bit old-fashioned to others, and possibly a hypocrite to more of you. I’m no angel by any means, and I am pretty stubbornly insistent upon learning things by experience. This lesson was learned by experience as well, and is pretty hard to catch for someone as addicted to sensuality as I am. I’m just glad that I learned it before I met Ole and not after.

Quite honestly, talking with him and being around him and knowing he’s thinking of me and thinking of him… All of it makes me feel like and want to be a better person. I’m crazy about him, intoxicated with him, there really aren’t enough words for it. So thank you Ole, for being the wonderful guy that you are. I hope that we get the chance to share much more than shots and Kong and calamari at the Factory (and all of it has been great so far).

A Very Brief Synopsis

Just got in from King Kong. Feeling a bit tired right now so I’ll be brief. I had a wonderful time with Ole tonight. The date went swimmingly and I have very good feelings about all of this. I’m too tired to further expound in a lucid manner, so I’m going to go take my eyes out (Johan-speak for removing the contacts) and catch a few hours of rest before I must awake for work in the morning.

Well-Rested

Saturday began late, at 11am. Waking to noises of dishes rattling and books thumping into boxes, I remembered (nearly too late) that Ryan’s parents were here. Throwing on some pajamas, I wandered out into the hall and nearly bumped into Ryan’s mother Rita, and without my glasses, mistook her for Ryan. Awkward, to say the least.

Sufficiently mortified, I proceeded to wash some dishes that Rita needed to pack. After a while, and a few uncomfortable but friendly exchanges with my ex’s parents, I retreated to my room and began to take apart my bed. Well, Ryan’s other queen-sized (how appropriate!) bed.

Much later in the day, after his family left, I hopped on good old Gay.com to waste time (being sick of cleaning and rearranging the apartment for the moment). After several pointless and inane conversations, I ran into someone capable of higher thought process. Intrigued, I kept on. Turned out he has a Norwegian name, too. Also found out he was going out that night. Some undetermined impulse led me to make plans to meet him at the bar that night and say hi. I have never done that before, and I was both trepid and excited at the prospect.

After a text message from Ole saying he’d be there in a while, I arrived at the bar, made a quick round (it was still somewhat slow) and parked at the high-side back-end of the video bar. Aiden made me my usual (a Colorado Bulldog) and it was excellent, also as usual. I believe it would be very tough to find a better bartender (he ever remembers what I like, and I’ve only been there three times since Christmas). After a while I noticed a couple of decently attractive guys around my age standing at the back corner of the bar, by the VJ box.

After a couple glances, a new face appeared in their group. Realizing I was looking right at Ole and he hadn’t recognized me, I wondered what to do. Heart thudding, I got up off the stool and worked my way around the now-crowded bar to the corner where he stood. Running into an acquiaintance, Tom, on my way around, I faltered and kept on going past Ole and his friends. Quietly relieved and resolving to make a round and then go back and say hi, I moved on.

After a somewhat lengthier circumnavigation of the Saloon, I made my way back to the stool I had vacated, and found it (surprisingly) still empty. With Ole still showing no signs whatsoever of recognizing me, I steeled my nerve and approached his group. Standing next to his taller friend, who I later found out is named Cody, I waited for his attention. I’m quite sure I caught him flat-footed when I introduced myself. I could tell when he finally recognized me and soon enough I was introduced to Cody and Dean.

A round of shots later, we were all happily chatting and enjoying the sights and sounds of the bar. Poor Dean, I don’t know that he really likes Dr. Mcgillicuddy’s® Mentholmint schnapps. It must be a Scandinavian thing, I dunno. He’s English though, so at least he can hold his liquor. After a few more rounds and lots of close proximity with Ole and friends, I was ready to dance. Dean disappeared before we got to the floor (off chatting with other friends I’d assume), and Cody found a cutie to dance with after a moment.

I have never seen a smile that gave me chills before, but somehow Ole managed it. His kiss stole my breath away. First time kissing someone, in my experience, is usually awkward and takes some getting used to. Oddly enough (in a good way, of course), I can remember nothing uncomfortable or embarrassing about it, only a wonderful sensation of being lighter and some how more drawn in. I really can’t get over his eyes, or his smile. They’ve been on my mind constantly since Saturday night.

He seems a great guy, very nice, funny, intelligent, and of course a smile that just makes me want to kiss him all the more. When Dean gave me a ride home, Ole got out and walked me to the door and even kissed me goodnight. (He gets big points for that.) I’m quite looking forward to Wednesday… we have a movie date planned.