Time never stands still without first extracting a heavy price. We used to use other, more distant events to yardstick Time’s passage. Now, we use 9/11 as our yardstick, and well we should–it was a unique and intense experience for all of us. There are few Americans (citizen or otherwise) among us who don’t remember where they were and what they were doing when they first heard or saw the news. When our nation lost its naive sense of invulnerability. And yet, there came hope and good out of those dark September days.
Time stood still for each of us, in those first interminable moments of disbelief, realization, and horror. Even then, even as all that we knew to be true came into question, we were offered the chance to be made anew in strength, love, and holiness. Even as grief threatened to–and did at times–overwhelm us with emptiness, we had the opportunity for healing and wholeness. We have all changed; none of us is exactly the same person we were four years ago, and some of us are nothing like we used to be.
9/11 is my New Year. Four years ago I prayerfully made the decision to truly Live, and to live in Truth. I chose to no longer let fear rule my life. I was unafraid to tell my family who I am, unafraid to tell the military I am gay, and unafraid of the consequences of my truthtelling. Each year that has passed, I have examined my life and sought true opportunities to rebuild it into a stronger, stabler whole. Only Faith–the purest extension of free will–has kept me honest.
Yet I have failed, in many ways and at many times, in these last (or perhaps, first) four years. Self-deception has led me away from my goals more than once. Shame and depression have brought me short more often than I would like to admit. I have cheated and deceived, cursed and fought, lusted and philandered, envied and stolen, and every other malignancy that humans engage in on a daily basis.
I cheated on my partner with a good friend of ours. I slandered my ex and my parents for what I perceive to be their great shortcomings, while ignoring the plank in my own eye. I spoiled myself and gave little or nothing to those in need. I said hurtful things at my partner because, in my anger, I wanted him to hurt. The list of wrongs is as shameful as it is long, and shame is the darkest trap of them all. It is when I am dragged down by the shame that I turn my back on the forgiveness my loving Creator gives freely to all.
In the words of Paul and many others, Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through Jesus Christ! Through Him, I have been given salvation from the crushing depression of sin and shame! Its amazing, the way the world sharpens and becomes brighter in the Light of Love. Its amazing how easy it can be to see God’s incomparable magnificence and grace and wisdom in the beauty of Creation.
I say all of this not to brag–for I know that I am imperfect and no more worthy of the Creator’s unending Love than any other, and less worthy than most–but because I can’t help but to say it. I could no more keep quiet about it than could a blind man who was given sight or a parapalegic who could suddenly walk. The Light that Love sheds on the world grants not only visions of the Creator’s wonder, but also visions of Truth.
Imperfect as we are, humans can and often do pervert those visions or impose them on those who cannot yet see. I know that I fall prey to this temptation often enough. I trust that you, my readers, will keep me accountable to the words I share, and be kind enough to share the Truth that you have discovered in your lives, too. May your days be filled with Light, Grace, and Peace!
In Truth,
Johan
