new camera

current music : the wonders – that thing you do

i almost forgot… i’m getting a digital camera by the end of the month! that’s also a major league plus, as i’ll finally be able to attempt some art of my own. i’m very happy about the possibility of contributing to the community [on deviantart.com]! =D

gotta go shower my stanky body and get ready for work… ta ta for now!

only by living fully in the moment can one be truly ready for what the future holds…

in the moment

current music : jungle logic – rain

well, i’m better now. things are good with mikey. i still miss him. a lot. i’m totally feening for him. but i’m okay. i’ll survive. only 3.5 months left until he comes back.

meantime my parents are being bitches (which shouldn’t be new, they’ve been that way ever since i came out to them) about my money. dad has custodianship of an account that i need to cash out in order to get my apartment. of course, he’s never around, and mom won’t tell him what i need. she’ll ask him, she says. as if its his money! grrrrrr…

[author's note, 23 Jan 2007: this last paragraph disturbs me in several ways. first off, calling the parental units bitches is pretty hardcore angsty and completely not how i was brought up. second, i have no idea whatsoever what account i'm talking about that my dad had or has custodianship of...]

parents aside, things are going well. i have a job. yay! very, very, happy about that. i work at the buckle in the Mall of America. its a totally awesome store. i love working there. essentially, i get paid to socialize with customers all day! could it get much better? probably not.

only by living fully in the moment can one be truly ready for what the future holds.

plans

i have plans… i’m going to a b-day party… i’ll be back tonite, tho… oh well…. i’m gonna get some cake!

current mood: cheerful
current music: Bon Jovi – Its My Life

unsettled II

hoping that mikey will IM me… but i think he’s busy. oh well… just restless, can’t focus or concentrate… i’m going to try to take a nap, i think… i dunno… grrrr…. i dislike feeling like this. its hard to describe, really… just an unnervingly sort of unsettledness (is that a word? it is now, hehe)

on the flip side, i don’t feel particularly down or depressed, which is good. i’m happy about where my relationship is with mikey. i’m okay with school. the job is looking very good. i’m gonna have my own bedroom for the first time in my life soon, once ray and i find an apartment.

life is just… bleh right now. prolly because i’m bored and have nothing to do on a friday night. oh well… something’ll turn up, i’m sure…

^{i really hope so, anyways…}

current mood: restless
current music: Braveheart Theme

unsettled

current music : Braveheart Theme

hoping that mikey will IM me… but i think he’s busy. oh well… just restless, can’t focus or concentrate… i’m going to try to take a nap, i think… i dunno… grrrr…. i dislike feeling like this. its hard to describe, really… just an unnervingly sort of unsettledness (is that a word? it is now, hehe)

on the flip side, i don’t feel particularly down or depressed, which is good. i’m happy about where my relationship is with mikey. i’m okay with school. the job is looking very good. i’m gonna have my own bedroom for the first time in my life soon, once ray and i find an apartment.

life is just… bleh right now. prolly because i’m bored and have nothing to do on a friday night. oh well… something’ll turn up, i’m sure…

i really hope so, anyways…

ups… then downs… then ups again…

well, my first day at the buckle is this sunday, at 8 am. :::yawn::: that’ll be a definite day for coffee. i’m very positive about working for the buckle. its retail, yes, but seems to be totally different from the traditional retail b/s…

ray and i looked at two apartments today. we liked the first one, but not the second. first one had lots of windows and lots of light. (south side of the building) but the bedrooms weren’t roughly the same. the front one was obviously the bigger and better room. and i don’t know how easy it would be for me to split rent down the middle if i’m in the smaller bedroom. i think i’d be slightly jealous. and i’d rather not be. not to mention that the laundry facilities sucked at this place. grrrrr…. there will be no laundromats for this boi. so i put the quasi-kabosh on the first one.

the second one we saw looked like a better building from the outside. it actually had its own parking lot, as well as plenty of on-street parking. the laundry room was much nicer, but the apartment itself sucked. leaky ceiling, front door opens out into the hallway, bedrooms side-by-side (which would make having the boi over somewhat awkward), and few windows. not my or rayray’s ideal of a good apartment.

so the apartment search isn’t going ideally… plus i’m broke, still, which frustrates me to no end. i hate being a mooch… plus i owe several people money still… rheyn, andy, and ray, to name three. grrrrr… not having money is very frustrating. on top of all of that, i have to find some loans to pay off skewl.

will and i are going to hang tonight, and prolly watch some movies or dvds or something. whateva… its still okay, ’cause no matter how down i get, mikey always perks me up. never fails… like the comment he mado on yesterday’s journal entry or just seeing a picture of the two of us at christmas. or hearing songs like One More Time, Turn The Page, Perfect Day, and especially our song, Hero.

so i’m blue, kinda, but not so blue as a smurf. hehe. love you lots mikey! you’re worth every minute of the wait.

current mood: drained
current music: Daft Punk – One More Time

god its been awhile since i’ve written in here

its late… or should i say early? whatever… can’t sleep. i miss mikey. he’s in vienna, having fun. i’m here, having fun. i wish we were together, having fun. (donteven go there…) but more than i miss him, i love him. so i’m content. if you’re very confused because you can’t remember all the bois names that i’ve been involved with since january, don’t worry. here’s the recap:

first there was will. i was a self-centered bitch and cheated on him with mikey. i hurt him badly. because i was too blind to realize that i was still in love with mikey. then paul. things went, for me, slowly with paul. i told mikey that he was two days too late… the memory of how badly that lie hurt him makes my stomach turn. things progressed with paul, and then suddenly and with no warning, he withdrew. then two days later told me that he had feelings for his best friend (whose heart paul has since crushed into many, many pieces, yet again.) that night i flew back to mikey’s figurative arms (since he was in vienna already.) a few days later, i decided that i wasn’t ready. stupid… so i again broke up with mikey, yet again hurting him more than i care to admit. trying to explain that i missed him so much that i needed someone here for me. i found chris then, and he and i started going out. things started off really well. but as the relationship got further along, i started to doubt the peachy attitude that i had been fooling even myself with. i realized that i wanted mikey and mikey alone. and that i couldn’t be true to chris and mikey both at the same time. so, rather than date another boi, i finally remembered what had been lost in confusion: i’d rather be missing mikey than dating anyone else.

so mikey and i are back together. and i came out to my national guard section leader last week. they’re gonna start an investigation or a board or something. right now its just wait-and-see for me. everyone in the unit who knows, which is not many right now, is very supportive. they want me to stay in. i want to stay in. but the decision is not in our hands. ultimately, it would lie within the hands of what they call an “administrative separation board.” the decision to convene one has not yet been made. so i wait. and i’m not incredibly worried. the worst that’ll happen to me is an honorable discharge.

last night (being as its three in the morning already, i think its safe to call it that…) i found out that the job at the buckle in the moa is mine for the taking. yay! very happy about that. oh yeah, and later today, ray and i are going to be looking at a place to live. happy about that, too. would be even happier if mikey was along with, but i’ll survive.

less than four months left now…

current mood: tired
current music: enrique iglesias – hero

hero

current music : enrique iglesias – hero (wtc remix)

oh god. i stumbled across a world trade center video. it was the second plane crash. i started to search for more, trying to find a tribute or something. did i ever. i found hundreds of clips, stills, video and audio montages.

but the one that struck me the most was enrique’s hero, remixed. hero is our song (mike and i). i started crying when i heard it, what with the voiceovers of the news reporters who could barely contain their own grief, the shocked and stunned witnesses, the president’s calm and collected speech to rally the nation. and the memories of mikey and i. singing along with the radio. dancing at the saloon. i just wanted to hold him.

i’m okay now. i’ve had my tears. i feel much better now, though. i miss him, but its tolerable. music helps to wash the troubles and tears away. and i know he’s back in four months. what comes after that, who knows? i’m living for the future right now, for him really. and when he’s back, we can both live in the moment once more.

the only music you can follow truly and fully follow is the music of your heart…

live in the moment. life is too full of b/s to get worried about all of it…

missing pieces

current music : daft punk – one more time

i miss my mikey… he’s away in vienna for four more months. i’ll survive though. he’s worth every minute of the wait. and we’ve already made it one month. the next four will just breeze by. =( it’s still tough, tho. i just want to hold him, feel him next to me, lay my head on his chest, wrap my arms around him and snuggle.

last night i hung out with rayray and aaron. i love ray to death, and i’m not sure where i’d be without him. he took me to chicago ten days ago. that’s when i finally figured things out between mikey and me.

ray was talking about how much he really cares for aaron, and how aaron’s the only person he could picture himself living with for the rest of his life. but aaron’s not really ready for that, i guess. he doesn’t wanna date ray, so they remain friends, and very good and true friends at that. looking at those two, it seems like they’ve known each other forever. they mesh so well… but even tho its not my place to say, i think that they’re losing out on something priceless.

which made me think of mikey, and how callous i had been towards him. no matter what the excuse i used, that he’d been the same way to me before, that he’s not perfect, that i need someone who can be here for me, i knew in my heart that without him, i was empty. no matter who else i tried to fill that gap with, it was never enough. i pushed paul faster than he was ready for. i jumped into things with will and ended up cheating on him with mikey (before mikey left). i got serious with chris, and realized that it couldn’t be real for me when i am still in love with mikey, and it couldn’t be fair to chris that my heart wasn’t truly there.

i find it hard to register >_< that it took me that much emotional torment, that many people hurt by my selfishness, that much time with mikey lost, to realize that i wanted mikey to be there and i was trying to replace him. something which i tried to tell him i wasn’t doing. i hurt him very badly. i hurt will, paul, and chris, too. i was so incredibly stupid and blind to my own heart. but mikey knew me better than i knew myself. he forged on through this storm of my own creating, just as i sailed on through his storms and he through mine past.

when i finally came to my senses and once and for all realized what i’d turned my back on and tried to ignore, who i had hurt, i asked him for one more chance. and he said yes. he took me back. the strength of his heart was stronger than the five thousand miles that separated us.

so he forgave me, and for that i will always be forever thankful. and that chapter of our lives is behind us now. and we move on, once again together. there are other fish in the sea, but none so tasty as he. its true, as well as being very cheesy… believe me, i tried to find better. but i can’t.

he’s my missing puzzle piece. we know each other sometimes better than we know ourselves. we can forgive all the hurts because our love is so much stronger. he makes me feel secure. i love the sight of his smile, and even the memory of it puts one on my face. he is my beautiful angel. his eyes can hold me in a way that no chains ever could. i fell in love with him the first time i saw him. and when i got to know him, that love only grew stronger. he means the world to me, and i to him. and so we endure this time apart, because we are together in each other’s hearts and minds.

i thank God for bringing us together. and jaime

but i’m hungry , so i need to go… ttyl all!