thinking, thinking, thinking…

its been a while since i’ve written here. only seven days after coming to terms with things with mikey, i find myself with another boi. (by coming to terms with mikey, i mean realizing that we couldn’t make things work right now… that it wasn’t right this time… that its not fair to either of us to not be able to deal with the problems face to face…) its been a long week. its been a tough week, too… i’ll try and do the recap.

the hollow man…

this is tough to come to terms with… but i think i finally have. (and i know this is gonna hurt more than one person when they read it.) i need time to heal. for a while now, i’ve been treating the symptoms, and not the cause… i’ve had this pit inside, an emptiness… its hard… its the place in my heart where mikey lived… and i say lived for a reason. after the break-up a few weeks ago, i tried to fill it right away with will… mikey stepped back in again. emptiness gone, but only for a while… i ended up hurting will with my selfish desire to be whole. only for those brief times mikey and i were together… and paul… i tried to fit him into that hole, too… moving too fast. he was different, though, and i slowed down because i wanted to get to know him better. and i wonder what could have been with paul or will had this selfish need of mine been so much a driving force.

when paul ended things between us, it hurt badly… and instead of realizing that i needed time to heal, i flew back to mikey. who flew out to vienna the next day. as much as i love him, i don’t know if i can do this… he can’t be with me when he’s seven thousand miles away… as paul asked me tonight, can he really provide trust, security, companionship, support from vienna for the next five months? so the hole yet remains… and i’m left sleepless for want of talking to mike.

current mood: hollow
current music: DANNEY ALKANA II – Glad You Came Along

show me the meaning of being lonely…

i miss my mikey. lots. i know he’s having fun in Europe, and that he misses me, too… i’m having fun, too. its just that i see something or hear something or taste something that brings me a memory of some time we’ve shared together… i miss him a lot right now. and its even worse, now that i found out that the cheapest tickets to vienna over spring break will be $750… i know lonliness better than i ever had before.

but at the same time, i know that i am better for it. because, though he’s gone, mikey and i are still an “us”. and for how much i miss him, that makes me that much more happy… and i’d rather be missing mikey than dating anyone else.

current mood: lonely and yet loved
current music: Daft punk – One More Time

running…

just got back from running with paul… nighttime running rocks! so peaceful… he and i talked while we ran four miles. (four miles!!!) we talked about lots of things. things that good friends talk about. like how i miss mikey, and that i’m grateful to paul for pointing me in the right direction. (more like pointing out to me what direction i was headed…) we talked about gabe, and what paul thinks of that whole situation… we talked about lots of stuff… paul and i have definitely made our peace with each other, and will be much stronger friends for it.

i am on sucha high right now… i love the rush that comes with any good workout, but especially that which comes with running… though i ache in more places than i can count, the flood of endorphins in my brain is the absolute best high… a natural high, too… paul and i agree that we’re total running junkies… he says he’s gonna get me in awesome running shape. i’m actually quite impressed that i was able to keep up with him tonight. (he’s getting back in shape… a track-star/marathoner, and i kept up! yay! i’m not so out-of-shape as i thought!) i’m seriously thinking of being a marathoner myself, now.

current mood: high
current music: Christopher Lawrence – Perpetua

my hero…

wow… where to begin… i didn’t really understand why paul broke up with me until last night. he told me that it wasn’t me. that i was not to blame in any way for the break-up. (if you can even say that about a week-long series of dates). he spelled it out in crystal, razor words. he’s not over gabe. he told me that he had to follow his heart. that its taken him a year to figure this out, and now that time is running out for them, he has to follow his heart, before the chance is lost. (on a sidenote, i find out this morning, that paul and gabe have been talking about this since saturday, and that gabe isn’t over paul either. not to worry though, because that doesn’t really bother me. just read on…)

when paul signs off for the night, my heart crushed and broken yet again, i thought about what he had said. then i realized that the whole reason for my trying so hard to make it work with paul, and wanting it to work so badly, was that i was trying to cover up the fact that i couldn’t get over the best thing that had ever happened to me: mikey!

thank god for paul’s timing. i called mikey, and caught him just on the way to bed. i was in tears… i was babbling about paul… and about how i always fuck things up, and how i never know a good thing until i’ve blown it. somehow i managed to make a coherent sentence or two, and got across to mikey that i had fucked up royally, and that, if he would take me back, i would be his.

he did, thank god, else who knows where i might have found myself in the morning… i talked to him for i think over an hour and a half. we laughed, and i am happier than i’ve ever been before. he is too. which tells me that i’ve finally stopped being pigheaded and stupid, and this time, for real, have begun again to listen to my heart.

paul and i are both in noticeably better moods this morning. though i’m pretty sure we were both in excellent moods when we went to bed last night. this morning, i thanked him for seeing what i couldn’t: that neither of us ever even wanted to move on. we both thought we had to… i’m just glad it wasn’t too late. paul and i have much to talk about in the coming days… it’ll be good to have him as a friend.

even better will be not being so lonely and hollow. without mike as my boyfriend, i couldn’t feel whole. now i do, and he does too… and it feels soooo great. the next five months aren’t going to, by any stretch of the imagination, be easy. but they are going to be worth it. he is worth it.

current mood: ecstatic
current music: Jungle Logic – Absolut Beauty

endorphins…mmmmmm

just got back from running… lots of endorphins pumping through me… i’ve done lots of thinking about the last few days…

last night paul decided that he cannot date me right now. which caught me completely off guard. before monday night, the thought wouldn’t even have crossed my mind. things were going fine… it was better than fine, really. or so i thought…

i’m not sure, but i think its a combination of me being overbearing and him dealing with the indecision and turmoil that accompany being in the closet–or rather, unsure about how open and comfortable with himself he wants to be. i certainly remember being there myself… and when i was, the last thing i really needed was any sort of relationship beyond friendship. i was, i think, in part to blame for my inability to understand that… perhaps because i was living a bit too much in the present, and not wanting to remember that i’ve been there, too.

paul is an awesome guy, and i hope he gets through whatever this is without too much distress. i’m gonna try to be a good friend, which is what he wants right now. i want more, but i don’t really think it would be good for either of us right now.

current mood: drained… but strangely calm
current music: Savage Garden – Crash And Burn

a little self-examination in the face of overreaction…

now that my ego’s deflated a little, i think i can acknowledge that i’ve overreacted a little too much… why though… why could i fly off the handle over such a little thing?

well, part of it is certainly that i care for paul a lot. i think another bit is that i’m sick of being hurt by guys i date. another part is that i have a lot of anger that i think i’ve bottled up, that i just haven’t dealt with… like being angy at my family, for being the total asses that they have. or being angry at myself, for any number of reasons, like my own pushiness, not being able to get along with my family…

whatever… life is too precious to be that angry. i’m kinda in shock at myself, really… i need to follow my own advice… “live in the moment.”

current mood: calming down after the storm
current music: enya, and lots of it

its happening again…

why is it that everyone i really care about ends up ripping my heart into pieces… blake did, more than once. his buddy andy has. my family does it every time i see them. mikey’s certainly done it, too. and now paul…

he told me he’d call at nine-thirty. i waited until ten, he still hasn’t called. so i called his cell… its turned off. i tried his apartment number… was told that he’d left he told me that he’d come by before gabe left… nothing can get me angrier right now. or more ready to break down into tears.

i don’t wanna lose him. i really, really hope that i’m overreacting. i’m praying that he’ll call me. anything to make this right again. this time, more than any other, it feels so wrong. i’m not supposed to be mad at him. he’s not supposed to be scared by me. we’re supposed to be happy and together. that’s what it feels like. that’s why this is incredibly agitating. so much more than i’ve ever felt over any other guy before.

paul….. please call me….

current mood: hurt, crushed, in tears
current music: Linkin Park – By Myself

this is not good…

why is it that every relationship i get into involves some undue amount of drama? i thought this one would be different, but no… i got absolutely shit done this afternoon… slept from five until eight-thirty… i don’t wanna lose this chance with him. this really sucks. and i don’t even understand what’s going on, really.

he thinks i’m attracted to his best friend, and he thinks that we’re going too fast, and i think he is trying to sort over issues of coming out that i probably brought to mind. damn it! i know that i can be overbearing, but it crushes me to think that my idiocy could possibly have contributed to this… and i really am hurt by the implication that, after meeting this friend of his only twice… jealousy hurts.

i am soooooooo mad right now. mad at myself, mad at him, mad at mike, mad at parents, mad at this stupid fucked-up world that pushes people around because they’re fucking somehow different.

current mood: angry
current music: Linkin Park – Forgotten

sick of the hunger, sick of the tension…

i thought family things were going okay, but my mom and i blew up again today… i started a conversation about politics, and it got turned into how wrong i am for “choosing to be gay.” she doesn’t understand, or even attempt to. she is incredibly close-minded, and doesn’t even realize it. phrases like “i thought we raised you better than that.” and “i will never, ever approve of this choice you’ve made.”

never is a harsh word. many things have been said in the past, by both me and my family, that have hurt. i’ve been wrong in some of the things that i have said, but they have as well. my mother cannot seem to accept that i will not betray myself and go back to repressing my orientation, like i did so long ago…

part of me really wants to say “F— her” but i can’t, because she’s my mother, and i love her a lot. but as long as she’s going to continue to throw this in my face, i’m going to continue to “run away.” (her words… mine are “retreat to preserve my sanity.”) as much as she says that she’s doing this out of love, which i’m sure she is, i cannot accept that i have to endure it. so i won’t. everytime it is brought up and shoved in my face, instead of civilly discussed, i will leave. until, finally, she’ll have to realize that to have her son, she’s gonna have to accept me, all or nothing, no terms or conditions.

i’m just so sick of her acting like i owe her this…

current mood: melancholy
current music: Linkin Park – A Place For My Head