too late for “us”…

So mike came by again today… he wanted to talk… i was a total bitch to him over the phone. he still came over. and he was wanting me to have him back… had he come to this realization that he wanted to make things work only just two days earlier, i would have said yes, fallen into his arms, and been his once more. but after being hurt so much, i am ready to move on… just two days too late… more than that, actually. but especially now that i have met paul, and have found out how awesome a guy he is.

figured out….

i’m a jerk… but i really don’t feel all that bad about it, that’s the problem. yes, i do feel horrible about hurting will… and i know that, because of how we started out, i can’t date him. it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to be a rebound boi, and it really wouldn’t be fair to him, considering what i’d done to him…

then there’s mikey… i didn’t think i was over him until yesterday. but he called me and we talked for a while. i told him that i was meeting some guy for coffee… turns out mikey knew this guy from a class that he had with him, and never talked to him… mike thinks this guy’s a total hottie. and is incredibly jealous that i’m going out with him… i am sooooo done with mike. i can’t sit around and wait for him to make up his mind. he made a decision, and now he’s gonna have to stick to it, for better or for worse.

current mood: content
current music: Groove Soundtrack

see previous entry…

bits and pieces of an image are coming back to me… it was part of a nightmare that i had about two weeks ago, but couldn’t remember until now. i had woken up screaming and crying, but i could not remember why or what had made me so upset. now i can. while i was talking to will, something triggered the memory of that dream. in it, mikey was cheating on me with another boy, not more than five feet away from me… i think it was in the woods, or behind some bushes that in the dream i peered through and saw it all… and that was when i woke up…

current mood: unsettled

heartsick and crying

i just, i don’t know… i was talking to will today… and he mentioned mikey, and i broke down into uncontrollable tears… i had this sudden image of mike with some other boi… i have never cried that hard… i think of mike, and i tear up now… this is sooo hard… i just don’t know… something feels sooo wrong about this whole thing… i can’t let go…

current mood: heartsick and crying
current music: The Lover After Me – Savage Garden

alone… again

well, i did it. for better of for worse, i am single again. and mike, i found, feels somewhat similarly about it all.

current mood: indescribable

listening to my heart…

well… this is really tough. i finally figured out what i have to do. mikey and i need a break. or, maybe more accurately, i need time to sort out my feelings. my heart is pulling me in different directions. first, and foremost, i am finally able to admit to myself that i’m not over blake yet. yes, i am aware that it has been three months and that he’s been through two boyfriends since me, and that its possible, and maybe even likely, that he’s long since over me. but there it is… i am not over him. i hope he still wants to pursue a relationship, but if not, i still need to deal with that. second, mikey and i have some issues that we need to talk about. really private stuff that i will not tell here because that would violate a trust between me and him. and i’ve already caused enough damage by not being honest with him or myself.

current mood: drained

job hunting…

so i’m looking for a job now. i saw this ad online for a swim instruction position at the Foss Swim School in Knollwood. sounds interesting, but i’m not sure how well i’d do. even though i’m a Red Cross certified Level VII swimmer, the system that Foss swim school uses is different. they pay 11.50 an hour, though, and that seems well worth the trouble to go through their 40-hour paid training. i wonder, though, if its not intended for someone with more available means of transportation. or a more open schedule. oh well, it never hurts to ask.

ohhh will….

andy broke up with will. again. i can only find one word to describe how andy comes out looking in this: immature. i don’t even know the kid, and yet, from what i’ve heard, and read (will posted the entire IM conversation), he’s got a whole fucking lot of learning to do, and even more stubbornness to overcome before he can do it. but that’s life. learning. some of us learn more, better, and even faster than others. some barely learn anything. not that what andy’s done to will is any less reprehensible for it.

so… while i wait for rayray to call, and to leave for the big gurrls, i think upon this. i really sympathize with will. i’ve learned that love has no “appropriate time in my life”, that “this isn’t the place for it” means nothing, and that it truly is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. i am incredibly lucky to have mike. he’s a sweetheart, and he knows these things, too. but yet, he must leave. and now i do truly know, for myself, that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

which is not to say that he’s not coming back… he is… in five months. lots of things can happen in five months. but, in the deepest part of my heart, in the corner of my mind, i know that what i really want is this: i want to hear him say that he wants to try to make it work. and i know that i want to make it work, too. but i get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he doesn’t think it will, and those nagging doubts in my own mind cry out that it could never realistically work. so i really don’t know what i want, other than this: what mike wants, i will go along with. i would, like will said to andy, take a bullet for that boi. i love him like no other. and i would never want to hurt him. so if he wants to make it work, i will give it my all. and if he wants to walk away, and see where we are in five, then i’ll do the same. not happily, but i will walk. because i would much rather he be happy than me. because i know i can handle my unhappiness, but i could never stand it if i were the cause of his unhappiness.

current mood: numb
current music: With You – Linkin Park

first day of class…

it was an easy one today. i only had one class: Jazz Technique 2, from 1220 to 1350. life is good. only two classes /day for the rest of the week. except on mondays… then i have four classes. only one on tuesdays, though. which makes life lots easier.

we had an MSA committee meeting (mine’s the academics committee) today. dan kelly (MSA president, sometimes referred to as “D-K” behind his back) was there to promote a few issues. we’ve already got a few resolutions on the menu; one about registration queues, one about allowing students to charge textbooks and course packets to their STARS accounts, and one about something which i took lots of notes on (i’m sure) but i can’t readily recall other than to say that it was important. i think that dan and brian (my committee chair), were pretty impressed with our (the committee’s) suggestions, questions, and concerns. i think its a great group of people, with lots of potential to accomplish great things! so i’m gonna be really busy with MSA this semester, i can already tell.

except that i really need to get a job. like now. so i’ve inquired into a few places. i’ll check the daily again tomorrow, and see if they have something. but enough worrying. tonight i’m going to actually have some fun. the big gurrls are going to have a big gurrl slumber party at ray-ray’s house. and we’re watching Real World. it’ll be a blast. except that mikey is sick, so he won’t be there. and trace is in st. cloud, so he can’t come either. but i’m looking forward to it anyways…

and on Friday, blake’s coming down to the cities… and the next morning we’re getting up early to go to the Real World Open Casting Call at the MOA… it’ll be lotsa fun! so this week’s turning out not to be so bad. oh, and zoe, my jazz technique 2 instructor, is indicating that she might give me a chance to fix last semester’s grade for jazz 1. it was pretty bad… but i know i can do better this year!

and, as i sit here, i just remembered that i had an advising appointment scheduled for 2pm today, which i forgot completely about. fuck. oh well. i got a lot done today.

current mood: bouncy
current music: Crawling – Linkin Park

so…. yeah. now i’m really confused…

wow. so, having royally fucked my academics last semester, i have turned a new leaf, and am going to put a lot more effort into school. between partying early on, my own natural procrastination, and the ending of my world as i knew it, last semester was really fucked up. but not this one. i am going to get semi-decent amounts of sleep. eat healthily. exercise. find a job that i enjoy. be very involved on campus. succeed in school. and attempt to salvage last semester’s gpa. (its a bad sign when the first digit of one’s gpa is a zero.)

so… now you’re wondering what i’m confused about, right? well, my mind is clear, and that’s good… but its my heart that is the source of my confusion. to start with, i’m missing my boi big-time. Mikey-withdrawl is the worst thing to be going through when at a club. (which i was on Sunday night.) or at a casino. (that was tonight.) or when surrounded by friends. (that’s pretty much all the time.) i miss the boi… and he hasn’t even left for Europe yet! i just want him to be healthy so we can enjoy the last few days ’til he has to leave. what makes it even harder is all the other bois that are swooping in. kinda like vultures, or something. i don’t even know them, and they want my number, or give me theirs. its like, the instant Mike isn’t physically present, they try to make being loyal to him as difficult as humanly possible. Of course, since they’re (for the most part) complete strangers, they wouldn’t know about mikey, and so would assume i’m just another single, available boi.

i guess i just need a neon sign that says “taken.” then i could wear it when mikey’s not around. which opens up a whole new can of worms. (sorry mr. oldfield, my dear 11th grade english comp teacher, but cliches are just soooo tempting.) as if i haven’t said this three million times already, mikey leaves in a few weeks. (for eau claire in two, for Europe in three.) and we still haven’t really talked. yeah, i know, he’s sick and has lost his voice, so for the present, talking is out of the question. but we are rapidly running out of time.

and (another of mr. o’s no-no’s: beginning not just a sentence, but a whole paragraph with “and”) to be perfectly honest, i don’t really know what i want to say, when we finally do talk. realistically, i can’t make it five months without physically having my boi with me. (not sex even, just him being present, to comfort, cuddle, or whatever.) i’m honestly not sure i could make it more than five weeks. so, i think it has to end. i couldn’t bear to see him hurt, though… and i suspect that this will hurt us both. oooh, it would be so much easier if he weren’t going, or if i were going with! or if one of us would just be a jerk and break up with the other. (i don’t think either of us are capable of that though.) but wishing serves no purpose, and we are cursed to face reality.

like i said, i’m in Mikey-withdrawl. so if any of this sounds really weird, that’s why. i really wanna see him. it’s been, like, almost a week.

current mood: confused
current music: PPK – I Have A Dream